Choices

I said I was going to commit to writing a blog post but I am not feeling very moved to do so, in the sense that I am not sure what to write about. Sometimes I feel like why would anyone want to read what I have to say…seriously. And here I am 3 days later sitting down to write. Lots going on in my head….It has been one month since the passing of my mom and I am still processing what that means to me. I am feeling really full and excited about delving in to the world of Essential Oils and its medicinal uses and I am feeling overwhelmed by the clutter of my life.

In my attempt to streamline and get organized I NEEDED to buy one bag to accommodate my day to day needs. You see, as it is now, I travel often with two Trader Joe’s cold bags ( you know the ones, red and black and then there is the bigger blue one) they are filled with what I think I may need for the day, books , papers, my journal my day planner and various other items that have been dropped in the bag. I am not sure what my attachment is to having these things around me but this is definitely a problem. I look like some kind of sherpa when I walk into my office everyday. A sherpa carrying alleged important things…NOT. There is some weird safety I feel in carting this shit around and it needs to stop. So, my thought was, buy a nice leather bag that can fit a certain amount of stuff and that is the only bag I get to carry. My purse will fit into it in theory as well as a few things like, day planner , journal, book and some various study material. Well, when I get an idea in my head I kind of want it yesterday! So, I go shopping to find the bag. I am slightly obsessed by this point and remember a bag I saw at TJ max a few months ago, so after a few other stores off I go. Well I find a beautiful bag and deliberate as to whether I should buy it because it doesn’t have a cross body strap. That was one of the must have requirements about this perfect bag . Well, after much back and forth in my own head and even another shopper stopping by to tell me what a beautiful bag it is, I decide to buy it. It is a Frye bag so I feel satisfied that I have at least bought quality even if it is not perfect, it is beautiful as well.

Well, the minute I get in the car the buyers remorse kicks in.” It was too expensive (120$), I bought it on credit! (bad idea) I don’t really need it, I don’t deserve it, you are such a jerk, what is wrong with me…”.blah blah blah. Wow….really?

I get home and confess ( because I feel I need to) to Rob that I have just bought this bag and he doesn’t really have much to say about it one way or the other. So, this morning as I got up to have coffee and write, I put the bag on the table in front of me to look at it as I write in my journal. What I decide to do is get out my lap top and just have a little look see on Amazon and see what other leather tote bags are to be had ( not sure why I didn’t do this in the first place…oh wait I needed it now, not amazon prime in 2 days!!) and sure enough some really beautiful bags for half the price that include the cross body strap and a little leather pouch inside as well.

I can’t believe I am actually writing about the purchase and or return of a leather bag, that somehow this seems important. I think what it brings to mind is how our minds work. For me what comes up is I am addicted to the thrill of buying something and then regret it or feel undeserving. Kind of like a bulimic who has to eat to soothe and then purge out of remorse and guilt. I can be creative , impulsive and spontaneous. I have an idea and I go for it sometimes not thinking it through completely. As I read through this it all seems so stupid really….there are so many bigger things to be challenged by…good god!

In the end I want to say thanks for listening. It may seem trivial but I hope some of you can relate. I am trying to be more conscious of the choices I make and life I am here to live. The more mindful I can be the more present I can be for others and with that, hopefully make a difference.

Whether the decision is to buy a leather bag, or consciously choose to buy organic food, stop using single use plastic, start composting my scraps, workout on a regular basis, drink more water, teach people how to use Essential Oils to replace many over the counter choices, or simply to choose love,compassion and equanimity over seeing everyone else as separate from ourselves, its all the same.

As Glennon Doyle says,” keep choosing the next right thing. “ I would add, there is no right or wrong…just keep choosing and be mindful of the choice and how it makes you feel, how it impacts others and in the end what is the result?

We all just want peace, love and happiness… so with that said, I am off to return my leather bag and go with the Amazon choice. If you ever see me with Trader Joe’s bags in hand and they do not have cold food in them as they were designed for please remind me of this post, without judgement and with love and compassion….we are all works in progress.

Thanks for being here,

Love Katey